On marching forward

Last week I alluded to the fact that I’ve learned all of the forms (three sword forms and one sword fighting form) that a white belt can learn before testing for (and passing and advancing to) yellow belt. And I plan to use the time over the next month (before I can test in mid-January) productively to practice the forms I know and work on the foundational movements in the basic forms as well.

But I also have ADD -- something that was diagnosed close to 20 years ago and that I’ve learned to work with. An interest in different subjects and a somewhat constant search for something new are good traits for a journalist. Those traits, however, may not be so beneficial in whatever my career looks like next. And when it comes to sword training, in the last few weeks or so it has manifested itself as a desire to learn more about various other historical forms of swordplay -- specifically (this time) an interest in figuring out some of the training and sword techniques of the Greek hoplites and the Roman legionaries.

I even went as far as getting myself a (hardened plastic) “waster” sword modeled on a gladius (I watched a YouTube video in which a sword collector warned that it can be addictive -- he’s right, even when it comes to just wooden and plastic training weapons) and am researching replica shields for price and historical accuracy, primarily in terms of use and weight -- aside: I suspect most of the replicas I’ve seen people using on YouTube are significantly lighter than the scutum would have actually been, which Wiki (citing Cambridge University Press) says should have been about 22 lbs!

But perhaps the more valuable lesson came recently. I’ve put my part of the poetry project “to bed” (as we used to say in dead-tree journalism). I’ve hit a couple of other personal milestones. I’ve answered a few questions about how to discern my path moving forward (even though I know I need to figure out the right questions before I start looking for the right answers). But I was nevertheless feeling pretty down as I looked forward.

Then, with the unseasonably warm weather in Boston providing a little extra motivation this morning, I decided to go for a walk. I put on some upbeat music and set out -- “marching” I joked to myself. Then I remembered something I’d stumbled across in my research of Roman training techniques: they started with marching. And more marching. And then more marching. All while under the weight of a lot of gear until the recruit got used to carrying it.

So to some extent, maybe what I’m doing now is marching: getting used to the weight of new responsibilities, commitments, burdens and accountability as I move forward.

“I don’t know where I am going, but I am on my way.” - Voltaire

Picture from: Diary of a Roman Soldier in Britannia

Another unexpected path

So, I was thinking about Thanksgiving and gratitude and the sometimes daunting tasks facing those with a concern about social justice in the world today in the wake of the tragedies that have given rise to the #BlackLivesMatter movement and the fight for women’s rights and reproductive health after the #PlannedParenthood shooting (and the intersection of the two in that the white shooter in the latter -- a cop-killer -- was apprehended alive when unarmed and unquestionably innocent black people have wound up dead in very much less dangerous circumstances).

With all of that to work with, I had thought that this week’s post might be more Quaker and less Shim Gum Do. But I was okay with that and was going to run with it.

Until I discovered that Sa Bu Nim wants my final edits on all 100 poems of the forthcoming book done post-haste.

So this week is the Shim Poetry Do -- at least until that’s done

It took precedence over sword training Monday & today. Hopefully with better time management on my part (especially now that I know that the deadline is Friday) I’ll be able to make it to class tomorrow and Thursday. 

Fortunately I’m in something of a holding pattern: I’ve learned all of the forms I can until I advance to Yellow Belt but the next test isn’t until the middle of January. So as I told Chong Kwan Ja Nim tonight, I have nothing to do but obsess over getting all the details correct for the next month.

In the interim, I shared with a friend a part of one of my personal daily prayers a while back and it seems appropriate to share all of it here this week. It’s a reworking of the Serenity Prayer (and subject to ongoing editing):

God,

Grant me the wisdom to know the difference,

between the things that I can change and those that I cannot.

The strength and courage to change the things I can,

and the fortitude to take on daunting tasks,

knowing that your Spirit and the people You have put in my life will sustain me.

And the serenity to accept that not all burdens are mine, as I am in this moment, to shoulder,

as well as the understanding that things that today may seem like failure may, in fact, represent great progress.

On veterans and violence

With the distance of another week from the Paris attacks -- and Beirut and Mali and action in Belgium and another possible instance of police brutality against an unarmed black man in the United States in the interim -- I haven’t really come any closer to clarity in my own mind on the issues of war, non-violence, pacifism, passive resistance in the face of a militarized police force and where I stand.

This was what I had written (offline) before Friday of last week:

Veteran’s Day brings up difficult emotions for this Quaker and struggling pacifist.
It is the anniversary of and still commemorates the day the guns fell silent on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918 -- ending the “Great War,” the war that at the time was thought so terrible they called it “the war to end all wars.” Sadly the promise of that name was not realized and new generations of veterans are honored today. 

In the Great War, World War II, in all of the wars of this country’s history some Quakers have stood apart -- holding to our Peace Testimony, that we shall not participate in war and act for a better world in which war is not necessary -- while others have found ways to serve where they would not themselves kill, as medics, for example. And others have served, many with distinction. [Medal of Honor recipient Sgt. Alvin York, contrary to the movie, was not himself a Quaker though he apparently did belong to a different branch with some history or tradition in that direction as he first registered for the draft as a conscientious objector -- but was turned down]. And yet others who believed in the testimony but had their CO status rejected went to jail rather than serve.

When I was younger these issues seemed so much simpler. I put my name in the rolls as a conscientious objector to war with an organization devoted to peace (the name of which I have since forgotten) and proclaimed myself a pacifist even before I actually registered with the selective service.

Even a few years ago, in a backyard conversation with a cousin -- an Irish Army veteran now serving in the U.S. military -- and a gun-owning uncle, I said with (perhaps alcohol-fueled) conviction that I wouldn’t kill, even in self defense or defense of a loved one. I said at the time that I hoped I would have the courage to die first, standing up in the face of violence and holding to my beliefs.

But as my relatives reminded me at the time, some (much?) of my freedom to do that is dependent on those who have taken other stands. On the soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines who have defended the U.S. (and England, where the Society of Friends was born). To some greater or lesser extent, my personal security is protected by police officers who are willing to use force (though in England, most police are able to complete their functions without firearms and the immediate threat of deadly force).

And now there is the stark reminder that today’s wars do not have battle lines or zones of war and peace (they never really did -- just ask the civilians of England during the Blitz or the citizens of Dresden or Hiroshima).

The broader task of a Quaker is clearly to work for a better world, one in which the dream of those in 1918 might be realized -- a world without war; a world with real peace, not just an absence of conflict.

But in watching the video adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s book “The Man in the High Castle” on Amazon Prime (yes, I read it years ago; no I didn’t reread it again recently because I wanted to give the show a fair shot on its own merits), I’m again reminded that some of the greatest successes of passive resistance -- Gandhi in India, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. in the U.S. civil rights movement -- have come through appealing to the humanity of the oppressors; if not those immediately there, then those in the broader society. But as one reviewer put it in Slate.com writing about The Man in the High Castle, Ghandi shamed the British in India; King forced northerners to see the oppressive acts of whites in the south and they were shamed and horrified by it.

But if Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan had conquered the world, could those tactics have succeeded? The Slate writer’s conclusion was that in states with controlled (i.e. censored) media and policies of extermination of dissidents and undesirables it could not. And that’s hard to argue against.

The parallel today is to wonder how one can appeal to the humanity of people who routinely behead, rape and try to commit genocides of their own, simply because their neighbors do not subscribe to their particular brand of belief.

All I can say is that for now, I am a long way away from finding an answer. Likewise it’ll be a long time before I come to any real position where anything I learn in Shim Gum Do plays any role in decisions of personal pacifism or not.

I was reminded this week by Chong Kwan Ja Nim (World Head Master Mary Stackhouse Kim) that although the techniques of Shim Gum Do are described in martial terms, they are primarily descriptions of movements. And within each form and the steps of each technique is a poem or allegory in the movement. According to the text, part of the first basic form, “represents that Shim Gum Do unites the heaven with the earth. On the personal journey to gain knowledge and wisdom, one’s foundation and ambition must become one.” Other parts of the basic forms represent the yin and the yang, the notion of reaching down to help someone up and sending them on their way.

The form that I’m working to master now includes motions representing how the Buddha, at the end of six years of meditation, lifted his eyes to the horizon, saw the morning star, became enlightened and proclaimed it. So while some instructors, and my previous instincts from free-form fencing, may focus on pointing out how the movements can be used in attack and defense, I think I would do well to remember the broader perspective and keep my mind on the moving meditation.

Image from: PBS 'The Buddha' - Enlightenment 

So much for my self-imposed Sunday deadline

When I started doing this, my goal was at least one post per week, updated on Sunday night or Monday morning.

This week, I was contemplating nice and simple subjects like war and peace and pacifism to begin with -- prompted by Veteran's Day last Wednesday.

Then Friday happened.

And yeah, I hadn't heard about the bombings in Beirut before the attacks in Paris, but both are tragic.

So I'm still working out what I think, much less what I wish to say on the subject.

I'll have my next update for you soon.

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

On responsibilities, rushing and learning to slow down

Even before I actually began practicing Shim Gum Do, I approached Mary Jeanette Stackhouse Kim, the World Shim Gum Do Head Master and abbot (or abbess if you prefer) of the temple about the prospect of exchanging some of my services for free or reduced class fees. I thought my writing background might prove useful in helping rework the web site (www.simgumdo.org), or that I might use my journalism training to help transcribe Sa Bu Nim’s monthly Dharma talks on Zen.

(Image from shimgumdo.org)

But, as it turns out, the masters had other plans for me. Sa Bu Nim is a prolific poet and they’ve enlisted me to help translate and edit the poems of his next book. It’s a fascinating process with the abbot and I trying to capture the images and ideas the Zen Master has crafted in Korean into English phrases, while matching the tone and tenor of his previous books.

It’s clear to me that I couldn’t do the work with Sa Bu Nim alone. His accent has led me to mistake simple words and my limited understanding of his Zen teaching has sometimes sent my brain searching for the completely wrong image to explain more difficult concepts. And even though at times I joke about being more hindrance than help, or that I am more useful in bringing my Korean-made phone with a stylus so Sa Bu Nim can access the sometimes dubious help of Google translate, Abbot Stackhouse Kim assures me that my contributions are valuable.

Translating poetry, though, is not a quick or easy process. And Sa Bu Nim hopes to have a hundred poems in this book ready early after the beginning of the year -- with all of the other work that entails: layout, copy editing, proofing, typesetting and other aspects of publishing that I don’t even know about.

So there is a real sense of urgency to complete this work, both at the level of each poem and for me in finding hours to come in to work with them. And it is a huge honor to be asked to help with this work. And I’m getting a real education in Zen philosophy as I do it.

But.

If only my week were only as simple as the calender makes it look

I have other responsibilities that I wonder if I’m neglecting. Most obviously, I’ve cut down my volunteer hours with the Perkins School for the Blind. I don’t think the quality of my work for my commercial clients is suffering, but one of them, who also has a deadline approaching, frankly hasn’t gotten as much attention as it deserves.

So it’s probably time to slow down and be more deliberate in my actions and commitments.

When I first came to Boston, I was following the advice of a sage in Worcester to emulate a fly rather than an ant. For many people, this fellow told me, the way an ant works is fine, traveling mostly in straight lines toward its goals. But I’d gotten myself trapped in a bottle, he said. And an ant trapped in a bottle will spend a lot of time walking in circles around the bottom of the inside of the bottle, not realizing the way it needs for escape is up.

A fly trapped in the bottle will frenetically zip in all directions at top speed, often crashing into the walls of the bottle, frequently seeming to make no progress. But that approach will likely lead to freedom before the more methodical way of the ant -- and besides, he said, it’s more suited to my temperament anyway.

At the time, the approach was appropriate. I was wandering and seeking a path. Now that I feel closer to having found one, perhaps it’s time to emulate the ant more than the fly for a while.

On listening and leadings

So as I mentioned in the first post it seemed like coincidence that Google driving directions would take me past this temple. But as the days and weeks passed I started to feel more powerfully drawn to check it out - to see what this Shim Gum Do thing was about.

And as time has passed, decisions that I've made around it have led to other coincidences; some so unlikely that I’m starting to think that I may have to remove the word 'coincidence' from my vocabulary. In one particularly stunning example, I was meeting with a friend who teaches yoga to work out some stretches to compensate for the strange new movements I'm inflicting on my body with this Korean zen sword work.

So she could get a better sense of what muscles and tendons I should be working on, she asked me to demonstrate the techniques I was working on. While doing this we were observed by a passerby  (it was basically in plain view of the street) who had studied Japanese sword techniques for more than 20 years. He gave me some pointers in Russian - accented English while talking about how seeing my basic drills took him back to when he was just a beginner.

All of that was incredible enough, but I wasn't even supposed to be in Boston that day. That was the weekend of a spiritual retreat for Young Adult Friends of the New England Yearly Meeting. I’d generally been planning on spending the weekend in Providence with Friends, attending workshops, catching up and enjoying the moments both serious and whimsical that I've found at these retreats recently, as well as way back when I was in high school.

But because I was new to the practice of Shim Gum Do (and because I'd missed one of the weeknight classes) I'd decided it was important for me to go back to Boston Friday night (and it was _late_) so I could go to Shim Gum Do in the morning - which, in turn, made the meet-up with my yoga-teaching friend possible.

Sunrise at Providence Monthly Meeting 

This is an extreme example, but these sorts of things seem to be happening with some frequency. So I wonder about describing what I'm feeling as a leading to pursue this study. But “leading” can be a loaded term for Quaker practice. Sometimes it implies a real spiritual calling to do something that can and should be tested by the wisdom of the elders of the Quaker community before taking action (usually something drastic like quitting a job or going to do relief work in a war zone or getting married or other equally catastrophic life changing events).

I also wonder if these ‘leadings’ are coming to me now because I  am more open to them, because I am somehow now more ready for the tasks that may be ahead. Or perhaps the calls have always been there and I just haven't been able to hear or recognize them.

When I lived in Washington D.C., I remember occasionally being amused by the pigeons and other birds that sometimes found their way into Union Station. But it wasn’t until I was waiting for an Amtrak departure at something like 2 a.m. that I noticed I could hear them cooing and chirping up in the rafters. With all the rush and bustle during the day, the quiet sounds of the birds were inaudible.*

So perhaps this voice that seems at times like It’s shouting for me to do something, to start down this path with an unknown destination, is really just the “still small voice of God” that we Quakers listen for, hoping for guidance. And perhaps it just seems so loud because It’s spent so many years trying to be heard over all the other distractions with which I had filled my life. 

I definitely have fewer distractions and impediments to listening today. And as I've said before, I’m also trying to pay attention. I expect that helps as well.

• -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   •

*I stumbled across the idea of a spiritual message as birdsong in a noisy background in my reading a long time ago and it's stuck with me since. The specific image I read was that of songbirds in a factory, I think. But as a nearly identical set of circumstances happened to me in the Amtrak/Metro station, I went with that one above. It’s not an original metaphor but it did happen.

On first impressions and first experiences (Part 2)

The first week of training was also overwhelming in terms of the physical techniques and forms to be learned. A student first has to learn the eight basic forms before instructions can even begin on the first sword form. It’s a lot of unfamiliar movements in a sequence that has to be remembered quickly and precisely. And my first night, it was a challenge to put together the squats, defenses and thrusts of the first two basic forms correctly, when, as is the custom, Sa Bu Nim came into class to allow the students to demonstrate their most advanced forms.

Normally beginners like myself aren't asked to demonstrate their progress until they advance beyond the basics, but that evening Sa Bu Nim asked me to show him what I'd learned.

The good thing about moving meditation like Shim Gum Do, at least for me, is that I have to focus entirely on what I'm doing in the moment. So the presence of more advanced students watching, including black belts and masters, didn’t enter my mind. All I knew was myself and the instructions of my teacher giving what seemed like slight, but were in fact critical corrections.

(Sa Bu Nim demonstrating the basic techniques as pictured in the manual of course material)

One of the other students later told me, though, that they had all found that instruction informative, a new look at the correct way to perform the most basic, foundational techniques.

At my second class that week (Wednesday - I'd missed Tuesday due to a prior commitment), Sa Bu Nim also offered more personal instruction, after asking if I had learned the first sword form and perhaps not being satisfied with my progress. And It’s hard to explain how exciting the attention was, yet there was also a fear of disappointing him - of wasting his time - based partly in the knowledge that I was deliberately moving slowly because I was not doing any practice outside class time at the temple.

Part of that came from a concern that without an instructor, I wouldn't remember the order of the techniques (since remedied by getting the textbook, "The First Star Black Belt Forms of Shim Gum Do Zen Sword"). But the other concern is that I just don't have another place to practice.

Something tells me that my neighbors might respond poorly to the sight of a guy swinging a Samurai - style sword around in a parking lot on the Dorchester - Roxbury line. (I have visions of flashing blue lights, yelling, lying face down in the asphalt, handcuffs and hopefully not tazers or gunfire.) But ‘mind training’ - meditation on the forms I'm learning - can make up for some of that too.

Two evening classes that first week, followed by a Saturday session of class, floor washing and then another class made a pretty good start. But since then, I've been trying to make three evening classes as well as Saturday each week. Knowing I need to attend as many classes as I can to get the greatest benefit from the training - physically as well as mentally and spiritually - definitely threw a wrench into my plans of establishing more settled routine. But I think this definitely qualifies as a ‘creative disruption’ and an antidote to any tendencies I have to get too sedate or idle - and the training was just the start.

On first impressions and first experiences (Part 1)

Starting anything new can be kind of overwhelming. And my first week of Shim Gum Do classes proved no exception. First there was the rush to get me equipped with a uniform, a sword of appropriate length and a bit of basic instruction in how to tie my very new white belt.

Some of the rituals, like bowing on entering or leaving certain rooms or taking off my shoes on entering the temple  (the big empty shoe racks immediately inside the door help with that one), we're pretty easy to pick up. Others, like knowing when to bow during the opening and closing rituals of class, I'm still working on mastering (when in doubt bow).

Those of you who have known me for a while might be surprised to know that (especially for the first classes) I actually arrived early and so found myself with a bit of time in the lobby/foyer area of the temple. So I started poking through an older book - a first history of Chang Sik Kim's early experience and the revelation and development of Shim Gum Do to him as the Great Zen Master Chang Sik Kim, known as Sa Bu Nim to his students. Sa Bu Nim's history and the development of the art are detailed elsewhere and as a beginner I'm in no position to say anything definitive about either.

But I was very drawn to two parts of an introductory passage in the book. The first was the mantra that my teacher's temple drew from it's heritage to instruct him as a young student, the same mantra those new to meditation are encouraged to use as a focus during meditation in Sa Bu Nim's Mind Light Temple in Brighton -- Kwan Seum Bosal ("Perceive World Sound" or compassionate listening, as it was explained to me).

This resonated and resonates with me and my understanding of my Quaker faith. One of the foundations of Quakerism is that there is 'that of God' within everyone and so everyone can communicate with the divine without the intercession of a priest or a minister. This has lead many Quaker meetings to begin with a period of silent worship in which all present listen for the leadings of Holy Spirit to call them into ministry to the rest of the meeting. As a result, I have begun incorporating that mantra and other meditative teachings from the temple into some of my Quaker worship - as some of my Quaker practice has seeped into my meditation at the temple ... I've been meditating this way for decades, after all.

The other passage that really spoke to me was from a story that I'm told Sa Bu Nim tells frequently from his early life, before he was even a student, serving as a helper in the monastery with the master who recognized his gift. The story spoke of how the master became angry one day when he discovered that his flower had not been watered and was withering, on the verge of death. He yelled at the young Chang Sik Kim, even though watering the flower was not the young man's responsibility. Instead of becoming defensive, he simply went to water the flower to see if it could be revived. This alone is a good lesson in the importance of patience, of humility rather than defiance, but it was what came next that really struck me. Chang Sik Kim realized that without water the flower would die - that water was so essential to the flower it was a mantra for it's life. And so, the story related, he realized that without his personal "life's mantra" (my term as I struggle to understand) he too would wither and die.

This concept, of needing to focus on a life's mantra, really resonates with my present search for meaning, purpose or direction in my life.

It's not entirely clear to me if Sa Bu Nim's 'life mantra' of revealing and disseminating the art and practice of Shim Gum Do was one that he always had within him and that his teacher at the time simply helped him evoke it or if it came about through some other process. But I certainly hope that my study of the mind sword path and the clarity of thought it promises to promote, will assist me in my efforts to find the purpose I hope to discern to lead my own life.

[Part 2 of my first week's impressions will be posted in a few days - remember that bit about things being overwhelming at the top? ;) Hopefully that will also give me some more time to play with formatting and that fun stuff too.]

Beginning a New Journey

Welcome friends, new and old.

My name is Brendan, and I’m a freelance writer, editor and communications consultant who moved to Boston after a career primarily in newspapers and wire services covering politics and breaking news at the local, state and, ultimately, national level in Washington, D.C., as a Congressional and White House correspondent. But after more than a decade of focusing almost solely on my career, I found I needed a break.

And so, with the passage of some time, I’ve come to Boston, reconnecting with friends from my past – some who go back to my high school and undergraduate days – as well as to rebuild a more active spiritual life through my membership in the Religious society of Friends (more commonly known as Quakers).

It was strange for me, after so long pursuing the goal of advancement in journalism, to be without a guiding purpose for my life, and I have struggled with that since I left D.C. But earlier this year I was given (and was finally able to hear) the advice to be patient, to try new things, to not be afraid of running into obstacles and to be open to and more aware of the coincidences and leadings of my spirit – or the Holy Spirit*

So it was through this last practice that I discovered the American Buddhist Shim Gum Do Association – located in a beautiful converted Christian church in Brighton on my commute between my home in Dorchester and my work with a non-profit in Watertown.

Despite the best efforts of my parents to raise me as a Quaker from age 2 ½ or so – when they became Quakers by convincement – with no war toys and avoiding violent television and the like, I’ve had a lifelong fascination with the sword. Star Wars – the original trilogy – undoubtedly played a role here, as did the fact that it was books of mythology and legends that first spared my lifelong love of reading … much of which has been in the science fiction and fantasy genres. I even dabbled in Olympic fencing (foil and saber) a bit in college.

And there was the sign, right in front of me (actually, off to the left a bit, I was driving after all), “ZEN – Sword, Karate, Meditation.” I wasn’t so interested in the Karate side, but the Zen sword part intrigued me enough that I kept an eye on the place as I drove by a few times a week.

Then came the sign that (figuratively and literally) sealed the deal – a meditation session and dharma talk with a Zen master on the first Friday of the month; this coming at a time when I had been feeling tense, discontented and wondering how I might incorporate more meditation in my life anyway.

Despite having some difficulty hearing Zen Master Chang Sik Kim (a soft spoken man) over the noise of the fan in the room on Sept. 4, and some further difficulty deciphering his accent, I was very impressed with the wisdom he shared.

Fast forward a few weeks of discussions with other high-degree masters at the “Mind Light Temple,” gathering of finances for course fees, uniforms and a practice sword, and I have started walking the “Mind Sword Path” – the translation of Shim Gum Do from Korean to English.

In future posts in this space I’ll be exploring my experiences and thoughts as I learn more about the practice as well as the Zen teaching behind the physical actions and meditative forms and I hope you’ll follow along on as I walk through these doors.

Two final notes: I was attracted to this practice, in part, because it was stressed to me several times before I began that the actual use of Shim Gum Do is meant only as a last resort, when one is actively fighting for his or her life, and that the notion of entering tournaments or seeking of trophies as displays of skill is definitely discouraged. That said, my personal belief in the Quaker Peace Testimony and in nonviolence is almost certain to be the source some internal struggles that I will share here.

*In regards to terms around God, religion and Christianity. I personally would describe myself as a Christian-leaning Deist, meaning that I believe in a God and miracles that are still active in the world today and I tend to express that belief in Judeo-Christian language – partly because that’s the language that comes most naturally to mind.

That said, I personally and many members and Meetings of the Religious Society of Friends are working to discern what the Puritan, Protestant Christianity of the founders of our faith still means in light of the spirit of continuing revelation and the founding tenant of Quakerism that everyone can access the divine directly.

So please know that I mean no offense by my inclusion or omission of any specific religious references, and do not hesitate to let me know if offense is inadvertently given and I will try to address it as quickly and appropriately as possible.