Recently I’ve started to wonder when my sense of anticipation for the future turned into a sometimes overwhelming anxiety about what may come.
I can remember, especially during my career as a journalist, how the future seemed to hold nowhere to go but up. I was constantly seeking out new ways of furthering my career, assignments fraught with difficulty and opportunities to educate myself in new skills and techniques of the trade.
But today, as I contemplate changes, even (or perhaps especially) ones that I know will be difficult but ultimately very beneficial for my own growth and progress, I try to find ways to hide from them. Sometimes my hiding takes the form of a massive binge of online television (Netflix is certainly an enabler -- I kid). At others I’m immersed in science fiction of one sort or another; books, audio, online discussions and games.
I even pursue these distractions to the point of (nearly) self-sabotage. To wit-- I more or less skipped training at Shim Gum Do for about three weeks before the test yesterday (May 15). I was permitted to attend the pre-testing workshop and to test (and I passed, achieving the rank of 5th degree green belt). But as I said to a friend before the weekend, had I been the instructor, I’m relatively sure I wouldn’t have let me test (or at least not pass).
I should be clear: this time it wasn’t fear or anticipation of the test itself. My avoidance was triggered by the prospect of moving into the Gwang Sa Temple -- the Mind Light Temple and center where I’ve been studying.
Both intellectually and spiritually I am clear that though the daily routine and mindfulness practice (as well as increased intesity of Shim Gum Do training) will be very good for me -- these are things that, despite early rising, will definitely help me center myself more on a daily basis and, hopefully, be more open to the leadings of the Light. Even the daily routine of early rising for prayer, chanting, meditation and (most days of the week) exercise
But at the same time, I can’t deny the anxiety that prompted a massive amount of goofing off, including more than one sleepless night as a result of playing video games, that thoroughly fouled up my always precarious sleep schedule. In turn, I missed a few committments (usually ones in the morning), though I was able to reschedule without many consequences.
This instinct for self sabotage reminds me of the last days of my time in DC, when I was thoroughly burned out with my job and looked for any avenue to escape. And these acts undermining myself have not always been without consequence, as they more or less were in terms of my training. And I can’t count on them remaining so any more.
If the Divine is watching me this month, it must be confused or frustrated with me (hopefully with some of the infinite compassion I keep hearing about). I constantly ask for signs and portents to show me the way, but once on the path I keep searching for detours and diversions, in spite of my sincere prayers to live God’s will for my life.
But as I seek to change and seek patience for my understanding of the way forward, I suppose I also need to have patience with myself. Avoidance is another bad habbit aquired over many years. It will also take time along with determination, to rid myself of it.
