On testing and tests

Another test weekend is upcoming and the devilish part of my brain just popped up to say “Surely they wouldn’t deny an Irishman his green belt the weekend after St. Patrick’s Day!” And (with apologies to Leslie Neilson) I have to tell myself “They would deny it if I’m not ready. And stop calling me Shirley!”

 That said, I do feel ready for this test. And I feel like I’m getting into a better spot for establishing a real routine for training (and for my week in general) than I have had in the past. My plan moving forward is to train Tuesday and Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings, leaving Monday night free for a game night at a local hobby store and Thursday clear for either an extra day of training or other activities (like the St. Pat’s dinner I cooked for a friend last night -- while looking excessively Irish or like I was attempting to impersonate a leprechaun).

Part of my reasoning is that the few times recently that I’ve tried to do three (or even four) days in a row of training, the newer and more complicated forms have taken a toll and left me feeling slightly crippled with aches and soreness. Helping a friend move after a Saturday class was also less than ideal -- sore arms and knees are not great for moving boxes down stairs.

So I’m hoping to get a good routine of two or three days on, a day or two off, a day on and then another day or two off, at least until I build up the muscles and flexibility for a more rigorous regimen. The conversation about outside exercising I mentioned in the last post is still reasonably fresh in my mind. Now I just need to get around to it.

On a more serious note, the past three weeks have seen the death by suicide of a young man from the Quaker meeting I grew up in. After hearing a couple of friends express both sadness and a sense of guilt that they hadn’t seen it coming or done something more, I felt led to send this letter to the Young Adult Friend community:

Friends,
Like all of us, I was recently saddened to hear about the tragic passing of Ishmael Rosas. 

Although Ishmael was a member of the monthly meeting I still consider my home, due to my own travels I did not get the chance to know him. But my heart aches nonetheless. 

I also want to express my empathy and support for the Young Friends and those who are now Young Adult Friends who came to know Ishmael through his participation in YF and Friends Camp. I have never lost a F/friend in this way so I can only imagine what you are going through, but I do know that it must be difficult. And I strongly encourage those who are able to join in the memorial service at Storrs Friends Meeting and to take part in the grieving and processing groups that are being organized (with much love and thanks to NiaDwynwen Thomas, Honor Woodrow and others for their parts in that). 

In the wake of any tragedy is is natural to be especially hard hit by feelings that one wishes they had done more or seen the signs more clearly to have been able to say something. 

And, while I don’t want to minimize those feelings, speaking as one who battles depression and has had suicidal thoughts in the past, I urge you not to feel unreasonably guilty for anything you did or didn’t do. 

Many people, myself included, who suffer from this disease have become very good at putting up a brave, happy or even cheerful mask to hide the pain or numbness or isolation that we are actually feeling. We (I) have felt that our burdens are either too big or too trivial to burden anyone else with them -- or that we’re so unimportant or irredeemable that the best course of action is to remove our problems from being anyone else’s, permanently. 

It might seem that a lot of the feelings I’m telling you about are contradictory -- and they are -- but that didn’t stop me from feeling them all at once myself. Depression isn’t big on logic. And reaching out for help can feel like the most impossible thing in the world. 

All I can advise is that you give yourselves time to grieve, and share that burden -- and any others in your life -- with the people you care about and make it lighter. And know that they care about you deeply as well. There is no need for you to face this pain alone. 

And know that in taking care of yourself, you make yourself better prepared and able to help a friend who may reach out to you in need. And if you haven’t spoken to a friend in a while -- especially someone who may have gone away to college and be far from their usual supports -- reach out to check in. Even a brief call, email or text can make a huge difference. 

And if you suffer from depression (or feel that you might), please do reach out to me or to someone close to you so we can help you get the support you need. 

Many people have told me that depression thrives on isolation -- that it wants us alone and in pain when we do not need to be -- in a self-reinforcing downward spiral. But, for me at least, once that spiral is broken, even slightly, it becomes much easier to start back on the path back up to the light. 

With love and holding you all in the Light,
Brendan